Selfishness vs. Charity

Many people struggle with overcompensating for an inner sense of lack. For some, this manifests as a deep need to please or help others. It can also appear as overachieving, workaholism, or poor boundaries. Often, there’s a significant struggle to say “no” or allow others to take responsibility for themselves. At its root, this behavior frequently stems from an absence of self-love—often rooted in childhood abandonment or trauma. People-pleasing, while problematic in excess, can also serve as an adaptive strategy, helping individuals meet essential needs such as safety, connection, and belonging.

When we guide clients in examining their tendencies toward people-pleasing and boundary issues, it’s crucial to explore how the ego may mask itself through overcompensation. Digging deeper often reveals a subconscious need to be “good” or “good enough” as the driving force behind these behaviors. In this context, acts of charity or helping may not arise from pure generosity but instead from a desire to amend an inner sense of unworthiness.

An interesting way to view this dynamic is as a spectrum. Imagine a linear plane with complete selfishness on one end and pure charity on the other. At first glance, the charitable state might seem ideal. However, over time, even acts of charity can come with hidden expectations. Without recognition or acknowledgment, the drive to give may wane. This is where we see behaviors like filming oneself handing food to the homeless and posting it on social media. The underlying need for recognition can also breed resentment or unspoken expectations for reciprocation.

The ego has a remarkable ability to turn charity into a performance seeking acclaim. In this sense, the spectrum isn’t linear—it’s a loop. When charity crosses a certain threshold, it can start to resemble selfishness. If we peel back the layers of externally motivated generosity and move toward something more sincere, we find that true acts of giving become less frequent but more meaningful.

Through self-inquiry and a reductive pursuit of authenticity, individuals can begin to strip away unnecessary, overcompensating actions. Paradoxically, as one grows in self-love and authenticity, the need to perform charity diminishes. Simply existing as one’s true self becomes a profound gift to the world. True generosity, then, is not contrived or fabricated—it flows naturally from an abundance of self-love.